Who holds your worth?
"There was a season in my life that I did not know Jesus. I knew of Him, I believed in His existence but I did not have the capacity to understand He was a real person who longed to have a relationship with me. I found my identity in the world around me, I was easily swayed side to side, I did not know what I truly believed. This is a dangerous place to be. When you allow the world to determine your identity you place your self worth into the wrong hands.
May 2013 was when my identity in the world nearly stole my life. I had been in a serious relationship with a guy for six years. We were both lost. We found our identity and comfort in each other. With this type of dependency you always have unhealthy attachment and place an unrealistic expectation on another human, equally broken, to satisfy all your needs when the only one capable of doing this is Jesus. At the end of April 2013 I came home after completing my third semester of nursing school. Finals were rough and I remember feeling so free on the drive home that day. I was so thankful for the break from school that was ahead of me before returning to my forth and final semester in August. When I pulled into the drive way and saw him (this guy) standing there waiting on me I had a sinking feeling in my gut. When he spoke the words "I decided you will be better off without me" I felt like something was ripped out of me.
That was the afternoon I lost my identity. I had spent six years of my life placing all my worth into a guy. I was devastated. I walked around feeling broken and destroyed. I barely ate, barely talked to anyone around me and I had to get away from this nightmare. I went to a friend to seek refuge. There I drowned my pain with alcohol. I was already medicated with a couple different things from a counselor I was seeing prior to the breakup. When you are finding your worth in anything besides Jesus things get messy and thats when people shove pills inside themselves to fill the holes on He can fill. One night I was extremely intoxicated yet the pain was still there. This was the first time that alcohol didn't seem to lessen the dark cloud that was trying to consume me. I remember standing in my friend's room, intoxicated, looking at my hand full of pills that were prescribed to mask my pain. I remember the hopeless feeling I had that night when a voice spoke to me saying, "Don't let a boy define you. You have an amazing life ahead of you, full of joy. Put the pills back in the bottle and go home". So much clarity hit me and I became sober. I packed my bags and went back home. I had no idea that the loving voice that just brought me clarity and peace was Jesus.
Sadness still encompassed me but God was not finished with me. Two weeks after I returned home the Lord introduced me to my husband, who introduced me to Jesus. That still small voice was right. Since that dark night I have experienced an amazing life of overwhelming love. The Holy Spirit of the living God showed me Jesus who welcomed me into a relationship with Himself where I found safe hands to place my heart. On this journey I learned to place my worth in God, a Father who will never disappoint me. He will never leave me nor forsake me because He is so so good.
If you are reading this and you know that Jesus is not the one holding your value in His safe hands I encourage you to seek His face. Ask Him to show you how to do this. He will gladly show you as He gently guides you to find your true self. Thank you Jesus for saving me. He did it for me and He will for you too. The secret is to allow Him to.
I pray that this reaches all the ones the Lord intends and He speaks to the hearts that need Him the most. Thank you Lord. You are good. You are good."
